


Just

by AR_Torquil



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Angst, F/F, Falling In Love, Heavy Angst, Love, Mild Smut, Not Canon Compliant, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-17 21:04:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10602210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AR_Torquil/pseuds/AR_Torquil
Summary: It was supposed to be just a way to relieve stress. Just some fun at the end of a hard mission. But this time was different for them both and neither of them was willing to admit it. Why let feelings ruin such a good thing? [Slightly left of canon. Has a bit of smut]





	1. Just

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains some smut but it's mostly plot. I'll admit the smut in this isn't terribly fantastic but that was not the main point of the story. Story takes place slightly left of canon. Implies that Ryder and Peebee get together officially even after agreeing to a friends-with-benefits relationship. I tried to keep Ryder's appearance vague but her name does pop up and this story is part of my Ryder's story so. She's just the default Sara Ryder since I thought she was pretty cute.
> 
> Also, I like to put song quotes that helped inspire me in the beginning of my works. I think it helps set the mood and I recommend listening to it.
> 
> Enough of my babbling. Enjoy!

_[How do we fall in love_  
_Harder than a bullet could hit ya?_  
_How do we fall apart_  
_Faster than a hair pin trigger?_

 

_Don't you say, don't you say it_  
_Don't say, don't you say it_  
_One breath, it'll just break it_  
_So shut your mouth and run me like a river_

 

_Shut your mouth, baby stand and deliver_  
_Holy hands, oh they make me a sinner_  
_Like a river, like a river_  
_Shut your mouth and run me like a river_

 

_\- River by Bishop Briggs]_

Ryder rubbed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose attempting to ease the pounding in her head. For hours she read report after report of an endless list of tasks she still had to complete for setting up outposts and finding Meridian. The words on her datapad were nothing but a blur now and even her usual glass of wine wasn’t easing the pounding in her skull. _A whole new galaxy and I’m the only one who can solve its problems?_ Truthfully she couldn’t do any of it without her crew and allies throughout the cluster but she was still the only one driving the whole thing at the helm. _It’d be nice if someone else could take the wheel every once in a while._ She thought about Kallo and wondered if he ever felt the same piloting the _Tempest_. For once she understood and made a mental note to thank him the next time she saw him. Kallo never complained but that didn’t mean he probably couldn’t use a break every once in a while.

Ryder set down the datapad on her nightstand and reclined to rest her head on her pillow. _Lexi is right, I need to rest more_. She smirked and closed her eyes. _Lexi would have a field day if I ever told her she was right._ In a way the Doctor reminded her a lot of her mother. Her mother was always nagging her father about working too hard and running reckless on his Alliance missions. _Mom_ … _Dad…_ Remembering her parents brought on an overwhelming sadness that only added to her headache. She missed them both so much. She missed her mother always smiling at her and her brother. She missed the times her and Scott would be running rampant around the house playing some childish game and their mother always scolding them when they inevitably knocked something over. Their father would always pretend to lecture them and then shoot a sly wink and a smile afterward. _Those were the days. Everything was so much easier then_.

It was too much. Ryder moved to sit on the edge of her mattress. Everything was catching up to her in a giant wave of anxiety and bottled up emotion. She needed some kind of distraction and the alcohol wasn’t going to cut it. _Peebee_. She needed to fall back on a coping mechanism she developed early in her adulthood. _When in doubt, fuck._ Let hormones take over and forget the rest. It wasn’t the healthiest way of dealing with it all but it worked. She slipped back into her boots and left her cabin quarters.

She kept a casual pace on her way to Peebee as far as she knew no one knew of their arrangement and she tried her best to keep it that way. Her crew didn’t need to know everything about her.

 _Who had the bright idea to put the escape pods so far away from the captain's cabin?_ The walk to Peebee felt longer than usual and she couldn’t help quickening her pace a bit. When she finally approached Peebee's place she didn’t bother knocking. She walked in without so much as a hello or glance in Peebee's direction and headed straight for the escape pod.

“Ryder?” Peebee acknowledged Ryder as she walked by pausing her tinkering for a moment until she realized Ryder's intention.

Ryder did shoot her a glance when she approached the ‘bedroom’ door more out of politeness than anything else. Small talk was not on her mind right now. She entered the pod pulling off her gloves and stepping out of her shoes before unrolling Peebee's sleeping bag. An eagerness drove its way from her mind to the deepest part of her gut. The anticipation kindled a growing flame in the lower half of her body. She didn’t care about anything right now except relieving the tension and driving her troubles back into the bottle from which they emerged.

“Bad day, Ryder?” The door to the pod hissed as it opened and shut behind Peebee. She locked the pod giving the handle a small tug for insurance.

Ryder didn’t acknowledge her question instead she approached the asari pressing their bodies together and pinning her against the door. Their noses brushed with their lips just an inch apart. Ryder dove in hungrily claiming her lips with force. Her bare hands slid tenderly across Peebee's exposed stomach savoring the soft skin. Her fingertips grazed across toned muscle and she felt a shudder from her temporary lover. She aggressively held fast to the asari's hips digging her nails into the flesh and yanking her closer. Gloved fingers of one hand threaded through her hair while the other gripped her shoulder. Ryder tucked her right thigh between Peebee's legs pushing up. Peebee pulled out of the kiss just enough to moan and Ryder flicked her tongue over her lover's bottom lip before biting down. There was an immediate response of grinding on her thigh and a hand clamping onto her right ass cheek.

 _This_ …

Her tongue traced a path along her lover's jawline down to her shoulder. Ryder shifted her grip from Peebee's hip gliding under the jacket to palm a soft breast. “Ryder,” Peebee breathed into her ear. She squeezed letting her open palm graze the nipple as she rolled her hand in circles. Another shudder from her lover, “W-what’s got you so-,” Ryder interrupted her with another rough kiss occupying their tongues to prevent any further talking.

 _…is what I need_.

For one moment the weight of the galaxy didn’t feel so heavy on Ryder's shoulders. She could _just_ forget Scott wasn’t in a coma, her father wasn’t dead, and she wasn’t Pathfinder. Right now, right here she was just Sara, not Sara Ryder, not the successor to the original Pathfinder, just Sara. Just someone finding a good time in some tucked away corner with a friend. A friend that indulged her in such escapades relatively frequently.

_Just a good time._

Peebee's lips pressed against Ryder's ear providing passage for every soft sigh and rough groan of pleasure. Ryder's circling palm pressed in squeezing and kneading. The sounds of arousal in her ears sent shivers down her spine and surges of desire to her groin. She released her grip on Peebee's breast rolling the nipple between her fingertips. Peebee's hips grinded down on her thigh and she felt teeth sink into the flesh of her lobe. Any lingering anxieties and insecurities disappeared from her mind.

In an instant Ryder was pushed backwards crashing onto the sleeping bag with Peebee pinning her to the floor. Her eyes were met with green ones full of fire and lust. Purple lips crashed onto hers already puffy and swollen. There was a primal need in their kiss and it drove Ryder absolutely wild. She almost whimpered when Peebee pulled away but the fiery desire in Peebee's eyes kept her own arousal coursing rapidly through her veins. Peebee straddled her rolling her hips and a teasing smirk on her face. Ryder held fast to her hips and licked her own lips. Peebee knew just what buttons to push. She watched as Peebee peeled off her purple gloves and settled her hands on Ryder's. Peebee guided Ryder's hands from her hips to slide up her abdomen tantalizingly slow. Hips still subtly rolling she roamed both their hands upwards under her jacket and onto her breasts pressing down on Ryder's hands.

Ryder grinned, it wasn’t often Peebee got the urge or patience to tease her like this. She needed this to be drawn out for as long as possible. Her breath hitched when Peebee finally removed her jacket. She wasn’t given much time to admire the view before she was drawn into another kiss. The fingers of one hand toyed with a nipple while the other roamed across Peebee's soft, cool skin. She forgot herself for a moment losing herself in the kiss and exploring the body of someone she'd become so familiar with. Countless hours between tasks, missions, and reading reports were spent rolling round in the escape pod. The sleeping bag under her had become almost as familiar as her own bed. But she couldn’t shake the feeling something was different this time. The skin she caressed felt softer, warmer. Nooks and crevices stood out more as if she were touching them for the first time. The sweet taste of Peebee burned deliciously on her tongue and she craved more. She craved the taste of all of Peebee.

_Just fun. Just sex._

Unable to stand her desires she flipped them sitting up to remove her scarf and jacket. “Someone's eager today,” Peebee giggled. Ryder responded with a last peck on the lips before blazing a trail of pecks and licks to Peebee's breasts. A hand clutched her neck when she took a pointed nipple into her mouth. She lavished it with her tongue alternating between licking and nibbling.

“Shit, that’s it,” Peebee groaned bucking her hips to try and find purchase against something.

Ryder would make her beg this time. Draw it out until the body beneath her felt like bursting. Her hand snaked down the toned, blue abdomen stopping just above Peebee's belt. She shifted her focus to the other nipple making sure to provide just as much attention. Peebee took initiative to remove her belt and tried to push Ryder's hand down further. But Ryder wasn’t going to give her control this time. Peebee would just have to go at her pace. She took Peebee's hand placing it on her back and immediately felt a sting of nails digging into her flesh. She resumed her teasing running her hand just below Peebee's waistband and traced various patterns on the skin. It wasn’t long before she got the reaction she was fishing for. The body beneath her squirmed and writhed with each movement of her wrist. She moved her face down nipping at skin and pecking around Peebee's navel. Peebee's breathing grew thick and heavy with need only fueling her fire. Whimpers and moans filled her ears with the sweetest symphony.

“Ryder,” Peebee whimpered and shivered, “Please…”

Between Peebee's begging and the craving burning in her throat Ryder caved. She unfastened Peebee's pants the rest of the way and slid her hand down until she felt her prize. Already there was an abundance of wetness waiting for her. She lightly caressed up and down the slit still wanting to tease. Peebee gave a guttural groan of relief the moment Ryder's fingers made contact. Ryder couldn’t help it she lived for the sounds of sex and ecstasy, she brought her face close to Peebee's covering every piece of skin in kisses and licks. Her fingers pushed into the folds slipping up and around focusing on no particular area just yet. Hips bucked against her hand trying to bring them both into a rhythm. Peebee's nails dug harder into her back clawing up and down. Ryder groaned reveling in the pain and gradually moving her fingers faster. On the next thrust Ryder pinpointed the clit with her thumb making swirling patterns. Her middle and forefinger occupied themselves with Peebee's entrance.

“Fuck! That’s it!” Peebee cried into her ear and her thighs became a vice on Ryder's wrist.

Ryder pressed a finger inside with juices making for easy access. She bit down onto the asari's shoulder muffling a shout when she felt nails claw from the tops of her shoulders down to her lower back. She was fairly sure she could feel blood welling up along the marks. But she couldn’t care less, it just stoked her desire more. She worked her fingers feverishly curling to rub against the swollen spot she knew would bring her lover over the edge.

“Dammit, Ryder!” Peebee croaked. “Don’t stop… Fuck me… Fuck me,” she repeated over and over each time sounding more and more strained.

Ryder growled slipping in a second finger to help finish everything off. Peebee gave a sharp thrust and came undone under her. Ryder continued her strokes as Peebee’s hips jerked erratically.

 _It’s…just sex._ But was it? As Ryder felt Peebee unravel something roused within her. It was impossible to tell if the feeling was new or just buried. Every other worry that plagued her earlier was nulled but this feeling she couldn’t shake. It welled within her the more Peebee's hips jerked, the more her ears were filled with sighs and moans, the harder nails carved into her skin making her bleed. _It’s just sex._ The thought proved to be more hollow as time went on. _It’s just sex._ She wasn’t fooling herself anymore.

Peebee's climax tapered off with a sigh and her body went lax. Ryder lifted her head to find her lover's cheeks flush and breathing heavy. “You’re too good at this.” Peebee gave her a hazy grin.

Leaving Peebee's pants Ryder brought up her glistening fingers. An abundance of pride and satisfaction welled in her chest.

“You know,” Peebee panted still trying to steady her breathing, “You’re pretty quiet today. Everything o-,” Ryder poked the tip of her middle finger into Peebee's mouth throwing a smug grin to mask the fact she was just trying to keep her quiet. Although, she did enjoy watching the way Peebee suckled on her fingertip enjoying the taste of herself. After a moment she took her finger back wanting to taste it for herself. She sucked on her fingers unable to contain her sigh as the familiar taste filled her mouth. A tangy, sticky sweetness she never got tired of tasting.

Apparently it was too much for Peebee and in an instant she was flipped onto her back staring into bright green eyes once again. Peebee leaned in and purred into her ear, “My turn.”

The whirlwind of emotion in Ryder's head dissipated once again as she let physical sensations take over. She focused on the way Peebee roughly devoured her breasts with hands and mouth. The way her breast was groped into sucking lips and an eager tongue. The growing heat between her legs intensified tenfold and all thoughts drifted from her mind again. Peebee didn’t stay on her breasts for long before making her way farther down. Her pants and underwear were yanked with a greedy force and she was completely nude. She shuddered when she felt Peebee's lips graze her thighs blazing a path up one and down the other. She reached down trying to find some part of her lover to hold. Her fingers braided with Peebee's when she reached a hand splayed across her abdomen. To her relief Peebee didn’t try to pull away, probably too wrapped up in what she was doing to notice.

When a tongue finally made contact with her folds Ryder gasped and bit her lower lip. Her eyes fluttered shut and she lost herself in a myriad of physical sensations. Her free hand reached down to grip on Peebee's crest. Peebee buried deeper pressing her tongue on all of Ryder's favorite spots. Peebee gripped Ryder's ass cheek with her other hand pulling Ryder's body as close as possible to her mouth. Ryder couldn’t help bucking her hips and riding Peebee's face. It became increasingly more difficult for her to remain silent. Her breaths became heavier and more labored. Sounds of ecstasy slipped past her lips with each lick and suck.

“F-fuck,” she uttered not as quietly as she'd hoped. It almost felt like Peebee smiled when she spoke. “Peebee…” she groaned from deep in her gut. Her head was getting fuzzier by the second.

She felt cool air hit her as Peebee pulled away. Her eyes shot open and she looked down. “That’s what I’m looking for,” Peebee shot her a sly smirk before diving back down.

It should have annoyed Ryder that Peebee was purposely trying to make her loud but it didn’t. It drove her insane in the best possible way. Peebee wanted to make her feel this incredible, wanted to give her so much pleasure she couldn’t contain it. _Or maybe it’s just because I moaned her name. It’s just sex after all._ Sensing the spiral coming Ryder bit her cheek as a distraction. _Just enjoy this._ So she pressed harder on the crest in her hand. Despite everything she was getting close. Her hips bucked erratically and she slowly lost control.

“I-I'm go-… Oh, god!” Her hand broke free of Peebee's and shot down to join her other at Peebee's head and she clung for dear life. Her back arched and she came undone into Peebee’s mouth with a sharp grunt.

Everything was so fuzzy she only noticed a blue silhouette hovering over her. A haze hung thick in her mind and her limbs felt like bricks. She willingly gave entrance into her mouth for Peebee's tongue when she kissed her. A delicious mixture of her own taste and Peebee's tongue. “You taste so good. Wouldn’t you agree?” Peebee pulled away and licked her lips.

Ryder couldn’t speak even if she wanted to, her mind still hadn’t cleared its fog completely. Ryder just laid there while Peebee pulled her jacket back on and closed up her pants. She heard Peebee give a pleased hum as she looked down at her nude, glistening, freshly sexed companion. Ryder rolled her eyes. Feeling a little exposed she slid back into her pants and searched around for her other clothes. Peebee had already left the escape pod by the time she was fully dressed. Without a word she walked towards the door.

“Hey, Peebee…” Ryder paused at the threshold of Peebee's room and looked back. Peebee was already back at her station tinkering. Ryder loved seeing the look of concentration on her face.

“Yeah?” her eyes never shifted from her work.

A knot formed in Ryder’s gut so tight it made her feel ill. There was nothing she wanted to do more than say her feelings aloud. _I love you._ She wanted to spill everything right then and there with no regret. She wanted to tell Peebee it wasn’t just sex for her anymore. She wanted strings. She wanted every string Peebee had to offer and then some. But that door had closed a long time ago. In that time of zero-gravity Peebee told her specifically there would be no strings attached. And she had agreed to it. At the time she truly did mean it. Between her new duties as Pathfinder, fighting the kett, and her brother-now her only family left-in a coma, it was all too much. The last thing she had wanted was to add more complex emotions to the mix. But the world was still spinning and she craved the comfort of someone to hold. Not just someone. Peebee. A bright jolt of energy when everything else drained her.

“Thanks.”

Peebee turned to her offering a genuine smile, “No problem.”

Ryder stepped out of the threshold and the door shut behind her. A buzz still in her brain from sex but a new ache in her chest.

_Just sex. Just fun. Just…love._


	2. Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings get complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out a lot shorter than I wanted but I just couldn't stretch it out more than what I had in my head. I also decided to leave some things for the next chapter (chapters?) that contributed to its shortness.
> 
> P.S. Peebee's character is a lot harder for me to write than I thought trying to balance her personality in this chapter.
> 
> Anyways enjoy.

_[Is this what you want?_   
_'Cause everybody acts without a clue_   
_Every little kiss and grin you gave_   
_Was just a little bullshit I saw through_   
_The alcohol is scented with your breath_   
_You're always all done up to just be used_   
_I'm waiting for excuses that deceive_   
_I'll meet you in the back to see them through_

_How did I let her inside?_   
_We're dripping of sweat, I'm feeling alright_   
_Her lips were the last thing touched tonight_   
_Your best friend is not your girlfriend…_

_\- It Hurts – Angels & Airwaves]_

  
Peebee grinned triumphantly at the sight before her. Ryder laid completely exposed and freshly fucked on her sleeping bag with glossy eyes and a satisfied grin. _Never gets old._ She ignored the way Ryder rolled her eyes at her when she gave a pleasant hum. The fact she still had her pants on gave her a head-start against Ryder getting dressed and she left the pod first. She returned to her station to continue working on Poc's programming. _Why does social programming have to be such a pain in the ass?_ It felt like she would never get all of the kinks out of her bot at this rate.

The sound of the pod door hissing behind Ryder didn’t phase her. Ryder usually just left after their business was done without any awkward small talk. She did notice, however, when Ryder hovered at the door.

“Hey, Peebee…”

If she hadn’t known Sara as well as she did she wouldn’t have noticed the hesitation in Sara's voice. It was so subtle she decided it best not to acknowledge it. _It’s none of my business._ “Yeah?” She answered simply.

Ryder took so long to reply Peebee almost thought she had missed whatever was said, but she didn’t hear the door shut. Something was definitely off about Ryder this time around but she couldn’t see past the guarded expression. Sara's attempts to silence her during their roll in the sack only made her more wary. Of course Sara had tried to make it seem like it was just playful foreplay but Peebee knew better. They’d had so much sex since Peebee first propositioned Sara that it would make Drack blush. The consequences of all of their encounters meant she could read Sara like an open book. Or at least catch a glimpse of the fine print. _Maybe it was just a bad mission._ Whatever it was Peebee wasn’t a psychiatrist and if Ryder didn’t want to tell her then she wouldn’t prod.

“Thanks.” Ryder finally spoke.

_I won’t prod but I’ll at least let her know I give a damn._ She met Ryder's gaze offering her a sincere smile, “No problem.” It wasn’t much but Ryder would understand. They both learned to convey their feelings with as few words as possible most of the time.

Peebee turned back to her work when the door shut behind Sara. She sat in silence programming and reprogramming with little success. _Dammit_. She couldn’t focus for the life of her. An uneasy feeling settled in her gut and for a moment she thought it might be the fire-roasted spider beetle she had Jaal make her earlier coming back to haunt her. The memory left a phantom ache in her backside and she shifted on her feet. But this feeling wasn’t the same. It made her want to jet to the restroom for a very different reason. She couldn’t get Ryder out of her mind. She could still feel the way Ryder's tongue felt across her jawline, the heat shared between them pinned together, the way Ryder's fingers…

“Shit!” she yelled and jumped. The piece of rem-tech she was working on fizzled and spat at her. “Oh, screw it.” She threw down her tools and huffed in frustration. “I need a drink-or twelve.” She went back into the escape pod and dug into her secret stash of Ryncol she kept for a rainy day. It wasn’t like she was getting any work done anyways.

With a hard plop she planted on the bench and popped open the bottle taking a large swig. It burned like hell and that was exactly what she needed. Anything to distract her from whatever the hell was upsetting her stomach. She reclined back and took another swig. It was times like these she regretted drinking so much back home, maybe if she hadn’t she would still be a lightweight and feel it sooner. Through the burn she could still feel a familiar taste on her tongue. Ryder's taste. The taste and texture was so different compared to asari, slightly less sweet and the consistency was more alike to saliva and not as slick. She loved it, though. It was strange in the best way. Even still Ryder's taste was unique compared to the other human females she'd slept with. Better.

_Why?_ Ryder was just another human. Sure, she was _the Pathfinder_ but that didn’t change her physiology. She took another heavy swig trying to shake her thoughts. _You’re just getting used to being in bed with her._ Yeah, that was it. She was just used to the taste.

She looked around her empty bedroom. The Ryncol was finally hitting her and she embraced the haze and warmth of the alcohol. Peebee secretly lived for these moments of isolation. Usually her mind ran so fast the rest of the galaxy couldn’t catch up quick enough to bother her. Every once in a while it did finally catch up and she just needed to shut it out. Today was apparently one of those days. And yet pieces of the galaxy were still creeping their way in. The room was so quiet…too quiet. The silence bored its way into her brain. She almost felt lonely.

Another swig. She wanted someone to talk to. Someone that would let her ramble on about rem-tech, or her theories of whom or where the rem-tech came from. _Ryder would listen. Sara_ always _listens._ Everyone else always grew annoyed with her but not Ryder. Ryder honestly seemed like the only one to truly give a shit.

Peebee shifted uncomfortably and chugged the rest of her Ryncol. It burned so much she coughed and for a moment her room spun. _I’m completely fucking wasted._ Maybe she was still a lightweight after all. Despite the world spinning around her she figured if she was still feeling this shitty she needed more drink. She stood up too quickly and her room became a blur. She stumbled over her sleeping bag and slammed against the pod door.

“Son of a bitch!” she clutched her head and leaned onto the door. The cool metal brought back memories of Ryder. Not just memories of their sexual encounters but all of the memories. All of the times her and Ryder goofed around in zero-gravity seeing who would get nauseous first. All of the times Ryder just sat with her and listened to her talk for hours about all of the stupid shit she'd done as a child. Even the times Ryder came to her in the middle of the night looking for a shoulder to lean on. Peebee was never good with people crying on her but they had grown so close. Close enough to be best friends. And Peebee never told anyone about Ryder's breakdowns, not a single soul. She would just let the tears flow as Ryder grieved over her dead father and comatose brother. Most of the time Ryder had been drinking too much and after everything was said and done Peebee would help her back to her quarters and into bed.

_I wonder if she even remembers…_ She doubted it. If Ryder remembered she would’ve said something. Then again, maybe Sara just didn’t want to acknowledge it. _Why do I give a shit. It's not like we’re together or anything._ The thought made her chest tight. It hurt.

This was all so stupid for her. Here she was utterly plastered and getting wrapped up in _feelings_. She hated it. _Feelings_ ruined everything. They made everything too complicated and awkward. _Feelings_ hurt. And right now they made every pump of her heart ache in the worst way possible. The last time she let feelings get involved the person just threw them back in her face. She was chewed up and spit out like bad leftovers. It wouldn’t happen twice. She wouldn’t let it. She _couldn’t_ let it. Especially not with someone like Ryder. The only true friend she’d ever known. _Why let feelings ruin such a good thing?_

She let go of the door and eased herself down onto the sleeping bag. Her head was growing increasingly heavy as well as her eyelids. Everything was coming down on her at once and she just wanted to sleep it off.

Sleep didn’t come to her easily. The ache in her chest refused to subside no matter how hard she tried to ignore it. She kept reminding herself what getting involved with someone was like. She tried to keep her thoughts from wandering to Ryder. After what felt like hours she finally drifted to sleep. But even sleep didn’t bring her peace.


	3. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out way different than what was in my head, a lot better actually. Part 1 of a 2 part chapter. Funny, this story was only meant to be 2 chapters long. But it had a mind of its own and now here we are 3 chapters in with I don't know how many to go.
> 
> Enjoy.

_[All that's made me is all worth trading_   
_Just to have one moment with you_   
_So I will let go with all that I know_   
_Knowing that you're here with me_   
_For your love is changing me_   
  
_May I hold you as you fall to sleep_   
_When the world is closing in_   
_And you can't breathe_   
_May I love you, may I be your shield_   
_When no one can be found_   
_May I lay you down_

_\-    May I - Trading Yesterday]_

 

It was late in the _Tempest’s_ night cycle and yet Ryder was completely awake sitting at her desk. She couldn’t tell just how late it was but the rest of the crew had gone to sleep hours ago. Today had been her roughest day yet. She gave up a fellow Pathfinder's life to save Drack's scouts and it was eating her alive. She could hear her father lecturing her in her head: _‘A real Pathfinder doesn’t let their emotions cloud their judgment.’_ He would have saved Pathfinder Raeka without hesitation. _‘The Initiative is above all else.’_ Alec Ryder, her father, devoted his life to making the Initiative a reality. He’d jeopardized his entire career with the Alliance. And now here she was letting her compassion for her friends get in the way of her real mission. _I failed._ She rested her head in her hands trying to fight back her tears. _But isn’t my job to find everyone a home?_ How was she supposed to find _everyone_ a home when the krogans didn’t have an ark? She couldn’t let more krogans die when there were so few of them already. The salarians had _an entire ark_ full of citizens. Sure, they had lost some to the kett and now their Pathfinder was killed in action but that was the risk of being a Pathfinder, right? Dying in the line of duty. Her father had given up his role of Pathfinder to save her. _Isn’t that letting your emotions cloud your judgement?_

_This is so fucked up._ Here she was playing some kind of God. _Why should I get to decide who lives and dies?_ It simply wasn’t fair. None of it was. It was selfish but sometimes she wished she could trade places with Scott. Letting him solve everything while she slept. _And he'll wake up just in time for all this shit to be over._ She sighed. _It's not his fault, Sara. What kind of older sister are you…_

_“You are not alone, Pathfinder.”_ SAM spoke to her privately through her implant.

Sara turned around. _When did the door even open?_

_“The door opened a few seconds ago, Pathfinder. You were engaged too deeply in contemplation to hear it.”_

She sighed internally. _Thanks, SAM…_

_“Of course, Pathfinder.”_

She focused on her physical surroundings, Peebee stood at her door staring at her. She was dressed in a black half-tank and matching compression shorts. Ryder couldn’t help noticing Peebee's eyes looked dark and tired even covered by her face paint.

“Peebee?” She didn’t know how else to respond to the asari's presence.

Peebee didn’t utter a word. She simply stood there staring at Ryder with an unreadable expression. The silence between them felt so stiff Ryder swallowed just to ease her own tension. She had no idea what to do or say, she just met Peebee's unwavering gaze occasionally breaking eye contact to glance at something-anything-else. Never before had she seen Peebee like this.

The next minute happened so quickly Ryder barely had time to register what was going on. Peebee rushed her slamming one hand onto her right shoulder and the other clutching her opposite arm impossibly tight. Purely black eyes met hers and she was torn from the physical world into…a dream? No, a _memory_.

___

_She was suspended in the air on the Archon's ship again. A body lie beneath her completely still._ Her _body. She was looking through the eyes of someone else._ Peebee. _She was looking through Peebee's eyes._

_“SAM?” Peebee's voice broke through the silence in the room._

_“Stimulating the cardiovascular core…” SAM opened the comm to inform the spectators of his actions._

_Ryder could feel Peebee's emotions as if they were her own. Fear. Worry. Pain. Grief. All of them repeating in a continuous cycle as each second passed impossibly slow._

_“Zero activity.”_

_A stronger rush of fear. A pounding heartbeat raced in her ears. Her chest pulled tight._

_“Stimulating the cardiovascular core…”_

_Each second felt like a new eternity. The body on the floor never flinched. Panic was settling in._

_Suddenly the body-Ryder-sat up and clutched her chest gasping. Relief. Anger. Relief again._  
___

Ryder was thrown back into reality just as quickly as she was sucked away from it. She hardly noticed Peebee fleeing out of the room without a word. _What? What just happened?_ She half-expected SAM to chime in but he remained silent. She could’ve used his presence right about now. She stared into nothing completely dumbfounded. _What… Did she just… Did we… Was that a meld?_ She didn’t know much about the asari other than what she was taught in school but ‘melding’ was definitely not discussed. At least not in-depth. The most she knew was that it was the way asari reproduced. Or that it was often used during intercourse. But this was definitely not a sexual experience.

Ryder shook herself out of her stupor. Peebee was obviously trying to tell her something. The realization hit Ryder like a krogan’s charge.

_I died._

She stood and headed for the door. She needed to find Peebee. She needed to understand. She practically ran to Peebee's room, not caring if the others were disturbed in their sleep. Her heart raced in a mix of joy and confusion. Peebee had told her in her own way that she cared, truly cared.

Ryder slowed her pace when she entered Peebee's room. The room was dark and empty aside from Poc in the corner. She approached the escape pod cautiously unsure if that’s even where Peebee had run off too. A shuffle behind the door answered her question. She gave the door handle a strong tug but it wouldn’t budge. Peebee had locked her out.

“Peebee?” Maybe she just didn’t know Ryder was there. Maybe she thought it was somebody else. “Peebee, it’s Sara.” Only silence answered her. She waited but no sounds of movement emerged from the opposite side.

_You can’t just shut me out like this, Peebee._ Ryder wouldn’t be deterred so easily. If Peebee screamed at her for trying to figure this out then so be it, but she’d be damned if she was just going to give up. “Peebee, don’t make me tell SAM to unlock this door. Please just let me in.” Still she was met with silence. “Alright then. SAM would-,”

She heard a shuffle behind the door and the pod hissed open. Peebee sat on the floor with her back against the seats and her knees in her chest. Never once did she look up at Ryder. The pod door hissed shut behind Ryder and she leaned back onto it. Her heart was still racing in her chest.

“You okay?” _Idiot_. Ryder winced as soon as the words left her lips. _Of course she’s not okay, you fucking moron._ But the truth was she had no idea what to do or say, she hadn’t gotten that far in her mind. All she had thought about was getting to Peebee. Now that she was here she was completely clueless…and distracted. The glow of the pod’s light reflected beautifully off of Peebee's exposed skin. Ryder wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch it.

“You can’t do that.” Peebee spoke softly into her knees.

She furrowed her brow. “Do what?”

“You can’t do that anymore.”

Ryder heard the shake in Peebee's voice, she saw the tears reflect the light, and she understood. _‘You can’t die.’_ She couldn’t help it, on one hand her heart swelled with relief and happiness as Peebee confirmed her feelings. Yet, on the other hand, she couldn’t help feeling guilty. How could she feel so happy when Peebee was like this, so completely distraught? _I really am so selfish._

“It was only for a few seconds.” She silently kicked herself. _Not helping, Ryder._

Peebee finally raised her head from her knees and glared at Ryder, tear stains on her now puffy cheeks. “A few seconds?” she spat with venom so harsh Ryder visibly flinched. Peebee stood up and got in Ryder's face, a raw anger in her normally gleeful eyes. Ryder swallowed hard. This was not the Peebee she knew.

“A few seconds?!” Peebee screamed into her face so loudly it hurt her ears and made her jump.

Peebee breathed heavily and tears were streaming down her face again. Her fist flew up to hit Ryder in the shoulder. It didn’t hurt, at least not physically. An enormous knot tangled itself in Ryder's gut. Soon, Peebee was slamming her fists into Ryder over and over mumbling curses and other things Ryder didn’t understand. Ryder knew, the punches weren’t meant to hurt her. They were out of anger and frustration. Right now, Peebee was broken. Probably more broken than she had ever been in her life.

Ryder felt tears well up in her own eyes. _She_ had done this. _She_ had brought Peebee to this point. _But it was necessary._ When SAM offered to stop her heart to release her from the field she didn’t really think anything of it. It was the only way and she trusted that SAM would succeed, for the most part. It hadn’t crossed her mind how Peebee would be affected. But why would it? Sure they were close friends but Peebee had never shown interest in her more than that. She had tried coming to terms with her love not being reciprocated and now she felt horrible. Maybe she was more inclined for the role of Pathfinder than she thought.

She pulled Peebee into a tight embrace ignoring the way she resisted. Her efforts of trying to pull away only made Ryder squeeze tighter. “I’m not letting you go,” Ryder whispered.

The punches eventually stopped and Peebee fell limp into her arms breaking out into a full sob. Ryder's shirt became soaked with tears but she didn’t care. She just held Peebee as tightly as she could. “I’m not letting you go.” She meant every word.

When Peebee finally calmed down she guided them both to the seats and sat down. Peebee just leaned on her sniffling and hiccupping.

“Don’t do that anymore,” Peebee wiped her face on Ryder's sleeve.

“It won’t happen again. I promise.”

Peebee looked up at her, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

Ryder took Peebee's chin in her hand and gazed into her tear-filled, beautiful green eyes, “I will try.” She wiped Peebee's cheek with the pad of her thumb and leaned in to kiss her. She tasted every salty tear and every ounce of pain.

She wanted desperately to just say the words. _I love you._ Instead she just remained silent after breaking the kiss. This was not the time. It wasn’t fair to dump that on Peebee like this. Not now. Right now it wasn’t about her, it was about Peebee. She simply let Peebee lean on her until she felt the slow, steady breaths of sleep. _I won’t be selfish again._

She waited for Peebee to fall into a deep sleep before setting her down onto the sleeping bag. With a kiss on the forehead she quietly padded out of the escape pod and made way for her quarters. Her own head was getting harder to hold up. The night cycle of the _Tempest_ was nearly over and she needed rest desperately. She had no idea how she would confront everything that’d happened tomorrow, but she would just have to wait to cross that bridge when she came to it.

Without bothering to undress she crashed onto her mattress. Sleep came to her quickly.


	4. Memories (continued)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy. Shit. This chapter maaaan. Haha, good luck!
> 
> (This chapter was so long and I listened to a lot of songs while writing it so I'm not going to post any lyric bits. I'll just name them if you're interested: I'd Be Lying - Brad Randall. Have Faith in Me (Acoustic) - Tay Watts, Adam Christopher. Push - Matchbox Twenty. i hate u, i love u (feat. Olivia O'Brien) - gnash. Look After You - The Fray. Can You Hold Me - NF, Britt Nicole. Paralyzed - NF. Can We Hang On ? - Cold War Kids. First - Cold War Kids. Passing Ships - Throw the Fight.)

“SAM, what can you tell me?” Ryder hung suspended in the air trapped in a stasis field in front of Peebee.

_Fucking Archon!_ Peebee wanted to bust free of her stasis field and sock him one right between his eyes. Not just for putting them in these fields but for putting his hands on Ryder. How _dare_ he grab her best friend by the throat. _I’m going to put a fucking bullet in him the next time he shows his ugly face. Slimy son of a bitch!_

“I’m sensing a biological transmitter in your bloodstream now. Attempting to neutralize it,” SAM replied aloud.

_Asshole!_ Peebee felt her blood begin to boil. _My friend is not your fucking science experiment!_

“Okay, that’s priority two for sure. Any idea how to break out of this?” Ryder asked.

“The containment fields only interact with living matter. If you expire, the field around you will extinguish until manually reset,” SAM stated matter-of-factly.

Peebee's rage dissipated and she felt her heart sink. _If she…expires?_ She swallowed thickly. _No._

“As you know, my access to your physiology allows me to enhance your vital signals when required…” SAM continued.

_No._

“I can also do the opposite.”

_Please…_

“So if you shut down my life signs-if you kill me-the field will disappear?” Ryder's tone at least showed some concern.

_Don’t do this._ Peebee wanted to scream, she wanted to yell at SAM for even suggesting something so terrible but the words caught in her throat. A giant lump was stuck in her throat and she couldn’t swallow it.

“The one holding you, yes. Then I would attempt to resuscitate.”

_Attempt?!_ She felt a surge of anger at SAM. How could he say he would _attempt_ to bring Ryder back? She tried to remind herself that SAM was only an AI and he accounted for all possible outcomes in a situation but it didn’t help. _Ryder, please don’t do this. There has to be another way._

“Are there any other options?” Ryder asked a bit skeptical.

“None that I can determine.”

_Of-fucking-course not. Why would there be?_

Ryder remained silent for a moment and Peebee panicked. _She’s not actually going to let this happen, is she?_

“All right. Let’s do it.”

_Dammit, Ryder, no!_ It was too late. She would just have to trust that SAM’s plan would work. Ignoring the part of her that wanted to scream she simply said, “Ryder…good luck.” _Please come back._

Jaal wished Ryder well, “It has been a pleasure.”

“Stopping your heart…now.”

Peebee's breath hitched and it felt as if her own heart would stop as she watched the containment field around Ryder evaporate. Time slowed to a stand still as she watched Ryder's body fall to the floor, a small grimace of pain, and then nothing. Ryder's body was completely still. Peebee's body grew weak even in her field. Her chest felt like it was going to explode and she felt a sting in her eyes. _Ryder's dead._ Her best friend was gone, lying limp on the floor of the Archon's ship. And here she was powerless unable to do anything about it. This couldn’t be it, not after everything they had been through. Her heart hammered in her chest until its beat was the only sound in her head.

_SAM._ The AI was supposed to ‘attempt to resuscitate’ but she only heard silence. SAM wasn’t saying anything and that only sent fear pumping through her veins. The AI was probably doing what it was supposed to but how did she know? It’s his job to keep the Pathfinder alive, right?

“SAM?” She couldn’t take the silence anymore, she had to know what was going on. SAM wouldn’t just kill Ryder and leave them here.

“Stimulating the cardiovascular core,” to her relief SAM spoke to them through the comm. But her relief was short lived. “Zero activity…”

_‘Zero activity…’_ the words echoed in her mind. _No. You can’t die. Not now. Not when I…_ Peebee was beginning to accept that she might have feelings for Ryder. She was still hesitant but she couldn’t deny Ryder was becoming important to her.

“Stimulating the cardiovascular core.”

She watched Ryder's body beneath her. There was a small twitch of Ryder's fingers before she flew up off the floor gasping for air and clutching her chest. A wave of relief washed over Peebee, but a small bud of lingering anger flowered in its place. She didn’t know why she was so upset, Ryder was alive and staring up at her with a stupid grin.

“You two look comfortable,” Ryder mused.

“Just get us down from here,” Jaal replied annoyed.

Peebee just remained silent as Ryder reset the console and released the fields. She stood up brushing herself off and adjusting her clothes. She stared at the spot where Ryder's body laid limp a few seconds ago and ran her toe across the floor. Ryder was alive and acting like nothing had happened but Peebee couldn’t shake her grief and anger. _Screw this place._

She followed Ryder out of the room and kept silent for the rest of the mission about it. She just wanted to get the hell off this ship and drift in zero-gravity alone, or get smashed drinking at least. _Screw you, Ryder…_

_____

Peebee made a beeline for her quarters as soon as she got on the _Tempest_. She avoided everyone as much as she could and sighed when the door to her place shut behind her. Poc greeted her with a small chirp and she smiled.

“Hey, Poc.” At least her bot wouldn’t hurt her.

She entered her bedroom and headed for the controls adjusting them for zero-gravity. A sigh left her lips as her feet lifted off the floor and she leaned back. _This is what I’m talking about._ Her eyelids slid shut.

_Oh, wait!_ Peebee opened her eyes and swam toward a secret compartment under the safety seats where she kept her Ryncol bottles.

“Zero-gravity _and_ Ryncol. I’m a genius!” She laughed at herself.

She popped off the top letting it float away and proceeded to invent creative ways of taking shots in the lack of gravity. Globs of alcohol bubbled up from the bottle’s opening and she slurped them up. She continued laughing at her own amusement and poked blobs of alcohol suspended around her. “Now _this_ is relaxing.”

All of her worries drifted from her mind with each slurp and gulp of alcohol. She playfully bounced off the walls and ceiling letting bubbles of alcohol get away from her before shooting herself off a surface to race and consume them. Right now she didn’t care that Ryder had died. She didn’t care that she was slowly letting someone in after being pummeled so badly by Kalinda. Her mind was buzzing and there was a warm, cozy feeling radiating from her gut.

The others could probably hear her causing mischief but they already knew she was…unique. They’d just roll their eyes and continue on without bothering her. _Cora would probably shit herself if she knew what I was doing._ The thought only brought her more joy and she consumed another lingering bubble of Ryncol in the air.

She couldn’t tell how long she’d been goofing off when she finally decided to readjust the gravity setting. All of the twisting and jetting around was making her dizzy and she didn’t want to lose her liquor.

“I should definitely make Ryder try this!” Shockingly her own mention of Ryder didn’t bother her, most likely from her drinking. “I wonder if she’s okay.”

Curiosity got the better of her and she stumbled out of her bedroom into darkness. She tripped in the blackness and reached out to catch herself on what she assumed was her desk. The motion sensors she programmed in the lighting flickered on and illuminated her surroundings. “Gee, thanks,” she mumbled to no one.

Peebee left her quarters to find the ship in its auto-drift state in the night cycle. She figured Ryder was probably asleep but knew one person who might be awake and how Ryder was doing. Cautiously she stumbled through the ship and clung to every surface as she made her way down to the Med Bay. How she managed to make it all the way without busting her ass she didn’t know. Her suspicions were right, however, when the Med Bay doors opened and she saw Lexi hovering over whatever experiment she was conducting this time.

She stumbled through the door and leaned on the frame for support. “What’s up, Doc?” She hiccupped and laughed, she knew enough about human culture to know where that phrase came from.

Lexi gave a start obviously too engrossed in her work to detect Peebee's presence. “Peebee? What are you doing awake at this hour?”

Peebee only gave her a lopsided smile and hiccupped again swaying back and forth.

“You’ve been drinking again.” Lexi kept a nonjudgmental tone as usual.

“No shit,” Peebee couldn’t help being a little sarcastic. She'd actually grown to like the Doc but sometimes Lexi made it too easy.

“You didn’t come for the after mission physical today. I know you don’t enjoy them but-,”

“How’s Ryder?” She unapologetically interrupted Lexi. She didn’t come here to get fussed at.

Lexi blinked at her thrown off by the interruption. “Beg your pardon?”

“How,” hiccup, “is Ryder?” She hiccupped again.

“Ryder is fine. She was a bit sore from SAM stopping her heart, but that was all.” Lexi paused for a moment waiting for a response. When there was none she gave Peebee a curious look, “Why do you ask?”

“Can’t I just ask how my friends are doing? Sheesh!” She honestly didn’t mean to snap at Lexi the way she did but the alcohol threw all of her inhibitions out the airlock.

Peebee swayed and lost her grip on the door frame. She would’ve busted her ass if Lexi hadn’t rushed and caught her in time.

“Maybe you should sit down for a moment.” Without objection she let Lexi sit her down on one of the beds. Standing was too difficult right now.

Lexi backed away giving her space but eyed her warily. Peebee looked around the Med Bay not really paying attention to the doctor anymore.

“Her heart stopped,” Peebee didn’t realize she was thinking aloud.

She remembered how angry she felt at Ryder when it happened. She felt abandoned. Just when she was beginning to trust again Ryder had left her without a passing thought. Maybe not intentionally but the point was still there. It felt like Kalinda all over again.

Lexi quietly seated herself in her chair and listened. It was obvious Peebee wasn’t speaking to her specifically but she leant a comforting ear nonetheless.

“She left me,” Peebee whispered at her feet and fisted the sheet under her. “How could she do that to me? How could she just leave me like that?” Her brow furrowed, she was pissed. “I thought she cared about me.”

Peebee shook her head, “Get a grip.” She needed to sleep. She looked up at Lexi still unaware of the fact she had been speaking the entire time, “I need something to sleep.”

Lexi only acknowledged the statement that was directed at her, “I don’t recommend mixing drugs with alcohol.”

Peebee huffed, “Doc, please. Just save it for tomorrow.”

Seeing no point in arguing Lexi reluctantly stood and retrieved a mild sleeping aid. “Here, it’s a small enough dose it shouldn’t make you ill.”

Peebee stared at Lexi and hiccupped. She still hadn’t quite sobered up. “I need to get knocked out, Doc.”

Lexi placed the medication in Peebee's palm, “It will do its job just fine.”

Peebee rolled her eyes and held the med in her hand. Lexi helped her to her feet and guided her to the door. “Go rest.”

Peebee hovered at the door for a moment testing her balance. Walking and standing were at least easier now.

“Forgive me, it’s none of my business but,” Lexi had returned to her work but never looked in Peebee's direction, “She’s still here. She hasn’t abandoned you.”

Peebee blinked surprisingly more reassured by Lexi's words than irritated about the intrusion. “But how did you-,”

“You were talking to yourself.”

“Oh.” _Yeah. I do that sometimes._ She made a mental note never to come to Lexi drunk in the middle of the night again. _That’s embarrassing._ “Uh, hey, Doc. Thanks.” She left the Med Bay for her quarters without waiting for a response.

She entered her bedroom tossing off her clothes. The empty Ryncol bottle from earlier was still on the floor and she picked it up. It still had a splash left and she used it to wash down the medicine Lexi had given her. She groaned at the lecture she was going to get tomorrow.

Between the alcohol and the medication she drifted quickly. The worries and fears that plagued her mind followed her into her dream. Ryder's dead body was under her again in the Archon's ship. Every terrible emotion she’d felt came crashing down on her again. Ryder's body falling played in a continuous cycle that clamped down onto her chest and cinched her throat.

_It’s just a dream._

Even in the dream state she knew it wasn’t real. Ryder was alive in her cabin. But it didn’t help. The sight burned her eyes until she just wanted to scream and claw them out. She was drowning the in the pain. No matter how many times she blinked the nightmare wouldn’t leave. She tried to fight but even in her dream the containment field kept her still. Tears poured from her eyes.

In the dream SAM never came over the comm. In the dream Ryder never woke up. Peebee was suspended in the containment field being forced to live her worst nightmare. Ryder was dead and she was never going to wake up. They were never going to drift away in zero-gravity again. They were never going to sneak away and relieve stress in the escape pod again. Ryder would never come keep her company on their down time and chat with her.

Everything they had was gone. And she was alone. Just like she had been when she was on Eos. Not only was she alone but she couldn’t escape. Ryder wasn’t going to wake up and reset the console and now she was a sitting duck for the Archon.

_It’s just a dream._ But was it?

Her eyes shot open and she clutched her chest. The pain was unlike anything she had ever felt. An invisible force crushed her heart and stole the breath from her lungs. The bedroom around her blurred in the pain and she gasped for air. She tossed in her sleeping bag desperately reaching out for anything to bring her relief but there was nothing. Only an empty room where the walls felt like they were pushing down on her. The pain was too much.

_It was just a dream!_

But how did she know? How did she know she hadn’t been dreaming about the reality the whole time?

“Ryder,” she called out but the most she could manage was a strained whisper.

Peebee needed to know. She needed to know that this was all some terrible dream and Ryder was in her cabin _alive_. Peebee struggled to her feet and leaned on the door until the pain finally subsided and her vision cleared. Once again she left her quarters but this time she had one destination in mind.

_It was just a dream._

The doors to the cabin opened at her approach just like she knew they would. Ryder never locked her cabin doors. Something about ‘keeping an open and friendly environment’ between her and her crew. Whatever the reason Peebee was grateful for it this time.

The bed was empty and Peebee felt a panic start to settle in. Scanning the room she found Ryder hunched over her desk, she didn’t seem to notice Peebee was there. Peebee just stood there and took in everything about Ryder. Ryder was wearing a hoodie and sweatpants with matching socks. Her hair glowed softly from the light of the display cases above the desk. Her hands were pressed against her face with her fingers in her bangs. An eerie calm swept over Peebee. The hum of the engines buzzed softly through the thick walls. Ryder looked so beautiful absorbed in her thoughts, a look of frustration peering from behind her fingers.

Ryder finally turned to her suddenly, “Peebee?”

Peebee assumed SAM had alerted Ryder of her presence. It was the first time she’d heard Ryder's voice since the mission and it seemed surreal. Moments ago she watched Ryder die over and over again in her dream and yet here Ryder was sitting just feet away from her alive and talking. Her eyes took in Ryder's awkward expression tracing over every freckle and crinkle of skin. She burned Ryder's face into her memory trying to replace the lifeless face that had taken over. Ryder's eyes shone bright, clear blue even from where Peebee was standing. She wanted to dream about those life filled eyes instead. Forever.

She wanted to tell Ryder why she was standing here in her night clothes in the middle of the night but she couldn’t speak. She didn’t know how to say any of it, hell, she barely understood any of it herself.

_I’ll show her._ An idea struck Peebee that she never had before and the more she thought about it the more the calm was replaced by her feelings all over again. She rushed Ryder throwing them both into a memory meld. She crashed through all of Ryder's walls and barriers flooding her with the images and emotional horrors that had haunted her all day and night. She threw her fear, her anger, her grief into Ryder with full force. She wanted Ryder to know what Hell she put her through so carelessly. She wanted Ryder to feel every ounce of pain and misery until it consumed her.

_You hurt me._

When the memory finished playing through she ran. She didn’t want to hear anything Ryder had to say right at this moment. She had never initiated any kind of meld with anyone before. It was only a memory but it still left her feeling vulnerable and she had no idea how Ryder would respond. It was the only way she could say it.

She disabled the lights when she entered her room and locked herself in the escape pod. She slid to the floor using the seats to lean back on and hugging her knees. Ryder would come looking for her any minute now and she really just wanted isolation. Showing Ryder the memory and flooding her with emotions helped ease Peebee's mind. The burden wasn’t all hers now. She could finally see past all of the baggage.

_I love you._

She loved Ryder. Despite her countless attempts to shut Ryder out she’d managed to steal her way in.

_I love you, Sara._

Everything made sense now, why she hurt so badly when Ryder died.

_I’m so stupid._ All of this conflict seemed so foolish now. Regardless of race life was so fragile here. She had wasted so much time shutting everyone and everything out she had forgotten. Ryder's death was humbling for her and it just made her feel even more vulnerable. But she still couldn’t let her shield down. She still couldn’t let the last wall crumble into dust. The memories, the pain still lingered in the deepest parts of her mind haunting her. Ryder was alive now but she wouldn’t live forever. Ryder wouldn’t live nearly as long as her and it burned. One day, some day, she would be left alone, again. Her nails dug into her skin as she thought about a time when SAM wouldn’t be there to bring Sara back to her. A time where she would still be young and full of life and Ryder would be long gone. Her eyes welled up and she couldn’t hold back the sadness any longer. She let each drop of grief stream down her cheeks and drip onto her knees.

“Peebee?” Ryder's voice pierced through the door and the fog of her misery. “Peebee, it’s Sara.”

She didn’t answer and clutched her knees tighter. A part of her wanted to let Ryder in and fall into her arms spilling every confession, but the other part of her was horrified of the consequences. _She doesn’t love me_. They were just best friends. _She doesn’t love me. But I…I love her._ And that hurt worst of all.

“Peebee, don’t make me tell SAM to unlock this door. Please just let me in.”

_But I can’t. I can’t let you in. You hurt me._ She wouldn’t let it happen twice. She _couldn’t_ let it.

“Alright then. SAM would-,”

_Fine_. Peebee reached for the console and unlocked the door. She would just have to ignore Ryder face-to-face. She continued staring at her knees when Ryder entered her bedroom. _Stupid_. Peebee just wanted Ryder to go away. _So fucking stupid._ She couldn’t tell if she was talking about Ryder or herself anymore.

“You okay?” She wanted to punch Ryder in the face as soon as Ryder said the words.

_Stupid_. She was definitely thinking of Ryder now.

She was far from ‘okay'. She just wanted to go back to Eos where her only problem was getting the sand out of her crotch. On that first day when she met Ryder she’d been so excited. Here was this human-a very attractive human nonetheless-fumbling around and accidentally solving the mysteries that had stumped her for months. Here was someone who could help her study the remnant, and as an added bonus, had food that wasn’t sand-worms. She hadn’t expected the human to be so _accommodating_ to all of her needs and desires. She definitely hadn’t expected the human to take the time to deal with all of her Kalinda bullshit or personal projects.

_Why…_ Why had she let this happen? Why had she let herself play with the fire that was Ryder and get engulfed in the flames? Why had she cared so much when Ryder died?

“You can’t do that.” Peebee spoke softly into her knees.

“Do what?”

She felt another urge to punch Ryder. “You can’t do that anymore.” It was all she could say. It was all she could muster in her clusterfuck of feelings. _You can’t do this to me anymore._

“It was only for a few seconds.”

Peebee realized what Ryder thought she was referring to. In a way she was referring to what happened before but it was only a part of the mixture. She grew angry quickly. _‘A few seconds’?_ It sure as hell didn’t feel like a few seconds when it happened. Time felt like it was standing still. It wasn’t a few seconds when she drank her emotions away. It wasn’t a few seconds when she stumbled into the Med Bay blubbering to Lexi like an idiot. It wasn’t a few seconds when the nightmare played over and over again punching through her chest and stealing her breath away in the most agonizing way.

“A few seconds?” Peebee turned to look at Ryder. Her blood boiled with a rage she had never felt before. She saw only red and her entire body shook.

She snapped. The last wall crumbled. The flood gates split wide open. She charged Ryder, “A few seconds?!”

Her fists flew in a fury hitting Ryder over and over again. _Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!_ She couldn’t see anything anymore. Her tears made her world a blur. _I hate you!_ She spat every asari curse and insult she could think of but it all just mumbled together.

She felt Ryder’s arms wrap around her and she tried to break free. _I hate you!_ Peebee didn’t want to be hugged right now. She wanted to keep punching Ryder until her arms went numb and her clenched fists stung. _I hate you so fucking much!_ This was her breaking point.

“I’m not letting you go,” Ryder whispered and squeezed tighter.

When Ryder squeezed her tighter Peebee had no choice but to stop. She didn’t have the energy to fight anymore. She was so tired, so tired of everything. _‘I’m not letting you go'._ She clung to Ryder's words finally falling limp and letting all of her raw rage go. She buried her face into Ryder's hoodie.

_I love you. I love you, you big fucking idiot. Why don’t you see that? I need you._

“I’m not letting you go,” Ryder whispered again.

_I love you, Sara Ryder._

She barely noticed when Ryder led them back over to the seats and sat her down. “Don’t do that anymore,” she wiped her dripping face on Ryder's sleeve. Her own little revenge.

“It won’t happen again. I promise.”

_That’s a lie._ She looked up at Ryder, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

Ryder took her chin in her fingers staring directly into her eyes, into her soul. She gazed into bright blue eyes and all of her aches faded away. She could see it in Ryder's eyes. _She loves me._ There was no hiding it. Ryder's blue eyes sparkled at her and she could feel it in her heart.

“I will try.”

Ryder’s lips pressed against hers and she melted. It felt so different, so soft. She missed it when Ryder pulled away. _I love you, too._ Her heart felt so much lighter. She let exhaustion take over and Ryder's breathing soothed her. The world faded to black.


End file.
